The Handbook
The Handbook

The Zoom call has become the daily bane of so many of our lives. The fiddly conference call technology is now as much part of office life as asking colleagues what they got up to at the weekend and then not listening to the answer.

Boris Johnson just revealed to the world that he used the program to teleconference the entire cabinet, and of course everyone went into meltdown because he gave away the meeting ID and raised all sorts of questions around security. But here are our observations…

1. Where’s The Govester?

I’d hoped for something better than Michael.Gove739. Not only does it raise the unlikely prospect that there must be at least 738 other Michael Goves out there (*shudder*), but also it passes on the opportunity for a cheery ‘Govey’ or ‘The Govester’.

Meanwhile Boris has shied away from ‘Bozza’ or ‘World King’ and opted for the rather more mysterious ‘PM’. Wonder what it stands for? We’re not in on the joke.

2. Why Does Liz Truss Have A Flag Pole In Her Living Room?

Liz Truss chose to carefully frame her background with what appear to be riot shields and a union flag. It’s unclear why she keeps either at home, her personal life is none of our business.

The President of the Board of Trade has a faraway look in her eyes, presumably wondering if anyone will remember how keen she was on Chinese meat markets..?

3 – Rishi’s Still Dishy

The 39-year-old Chancellor, Rishi Sunak, has many admirable attributes. He’s young (not yet forty), he’s got serious brains (he was head boy at Winchester and received a first from Oxford), he’s a millionaire (he formerly worked as a Goldman Sachs banker followed by a controversial stint at a hedge fund, coining it in and arguably toppling RBS at the same time) and power (he’s the second most powerful man in the country, third if you include Noel Fielding).

But mainly he’s just annoyingly good looking.

4 – Chris Whitty’s Alive!

When we received the notification that Chris Whitty was self-isolating let’s be honest, we all feared the worst. Who was looking after him? Is he going to be okay? What will become of us?

But here he is, tieless but otherwise reporting for duty. It’s a corona miracle!

5 – Has Dominic Raab just grown a Hitler moustache?

The Foreign Secretary seems to have taken time out of his busy schedule repatriating backpackers to overnight grow a full on Führer-tash.

Perhaps this is banter cabinet-style, or perhaps he’s eyeing up Liz’s riot shields. As it were.

6 – Matt Hancock’s In His Mind Palace

Surrounded by photos of his college quidditch team and red walls (literally the least relaxing colour to paint an office) Health Secretary Matt Hancock is channelling his best Sherlock and has entered his mind palace.

Somewhere in there he’ll discover a post-it note reminding him to order some Coronavirus tests.

7 – Is Mark Spencer On Holiday?

Chief Whip Mark Spencer is wearing a t-shirt and appears to be phoning it in from a time share in the Med.

Bare walls, tiled floor and shiny faux leather sofa; tick, tick, tick, someone’s just been busted bunking off in Stavros Apartments Ayia Nappa.

8 – Amanda Milling Has Come As Katie Hopkins. Also, Who Is Amanda Milling?

“You need to look convincing, you need to look like an Apprentice candidate”… *comes back dressed as actual Katie Hopkins*… You’re fired.

When she’s not task leader on Apprentice team Corona, Milling is MP for Cannock Chase and Minister Without Portfolio. You’re welcome!

9 – Turn Up For The Books: Jacob Rees-Mogg Is Actually Posh

Sure, we knew that he went to Eton, he campaigns with his nanny and he’s got a silly name, but who knew that Jacob Rees-Mogg was actually posh?

But he’s outed himself by wearing a double-breasted suit and posing in front of a mahogany book case laden with leather bound books. We’ve all learnt something new.

10 – Brandon Lewis’s Taxidermy Wins It

When you tell Northern Ireland Secretary Brandon Lewis to ‘get stuffed’, he just kills another bird of prey.

As far as we’re concerned the man with the taxidermy owl on a Billy bookcase wins the game of Cabinet Zoom oddities hands (or wings) down.

Give that man a knighthood…