Like Marie Kondo, But With Vagina Steaming… Gwyneth Paltrow’s Coming To Netflix

By Phil Clarke, Editor of The Handbook website Phil Clarke |
6th February 2019

If you’re a super-fan of Sliding Doors or you’ve ever put a crystal up your va-jay-jay, then you’re in for a treat. Everyone else, get ready for some serious eye-rolling. They’ve only gone and given Goop its own TV show.

Netflix has partnered with Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s nutty health (ish) and lifestyle magazine, to produce a series of 30-minute shows extolling the virtues of Paltrow’s barmy, sometimes outright dangerous, alternative medical ideas. And people are going to get angry. Real angry.

Expect to see all the classics. Popular Goop articles include medical advice unlikely to get past the GMC, like consulting Shamans, selling $2,400 spirit-animal rings, touting stickers as a legit healing method (which even NASA, the ultimate home of science, denounced as a scam), told everyone to walk around barefoot and put $55 crystals up their vaginas. Oh, and of course, when she advised women to ‘steam’ their undercarriages.

Attempting to take this insanity mainstream, beamed into your sitting room will, I expect, have a number of consequences.

When it airs, this autumn, you will realise that some of the friends you previously thought were sensible, well put-together, people actually are monsters who eat homeopathy for breakfast. Goop’s show will give their nut-jobbery license; a bit like how all your OCD tidy mates are currently raving about items ‘giving them joy’ – this is Marie Kondo but with fanny steaming.

Second, the craziness will only ratchet up. I will drink my own urine if Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t recommended drinking my own urine by the end of the series (note this is not a legally binding promise and I may consciously uncouple from it). But you get the idea.

Third, look forward to endless newspaper headlines about the latest craziness, doctors denouncing Paltrow as ‘irresponsible‘ for telling everyone to drink urine, yada yada. It’s worth noting that, according to The Times, Conde Nast already backed out of working with Goop partly because they couldn’t handle the magazine’s low-bar on fact checking. Twitter is going to go into meltdown.

And fourthly, expect Gwyneth Paltrow to get a whole bunch richer off the back of it all.

So how are we going to deal with all this insanity when it washes over us in late 2019? My suggestions: short Tupperware, currently experiencing a resurgence thanks to Marie Kondo’s obsession with see-through plastic boxes and go seriously long on the vagina crystal industry. You’ll pay off your mortgage*.

* Not actual legit financial advice. Unless your spirit animal is Goldman Sachs, don’t try this

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