The Handbook
The Handbook

The Brexit talks are back on in Whitehall, global stock-markets are tumbling after Donald did a tweet and North Korea’s testing missiles again, but there’s only one story in town: Harry and Meghan have had a baby! And, spoiler alert for anyone holding out for series 8 of The Crown: it’s a boy! But we don’t yet know what the 7lbz 3oz babe is going to be called. So, in the least ‘evergreen’ article ever written (they’ll be announcing the answer tomorrow), here’s our thoughts on the only question on everyone’s lips. Well, that and ‘did you see Line of Duty?’.

The natural expectation is that they’ll go with something super-trad. In a family where Philip stands out as a bit ‘curveball’ among the Georges, Charleses and Williams of the Windsors, it’s hard for some to envision them choosing anything other than the sort of name you could merrily slaughter a swan to.

Never ones to turn down a chance to make cash-moneys, bookmaker William Hill have obviously got a book open on royal baby names and the front-runners are Alexander (4/1), James (5/1) and Arthur (6/1). But it’s not all names inspired by Downton, there’s the Duchess to bear in mind…

Because not only is she a commoner, she’s also an American, straight out of Hollywood and she’s already got, in blue-blood terms, an outlandish name: Meghan. So she could do anything. Like Brian.

Many people have pointed out that Meghan’s best friend, Jessica Mulroney, has two boys called Brian and John, both pageboys at last year’s royal wedding. So could we be gearing up for a Prince Brian?

That is, if The Queen actually allows the baby to be a prince, the title’s in her gift and it’s not a done-deal.

Of course, Americans have form in the weird name stakes, there were 21 babies called (maybe it’s terrible parenting maybe it’s) Maybelline. There were six Yogis and 96 Oms and 17 boys were called Havoc (which is actually pretty cool). So it could go any which way. To this end, Kyle and Shane are both on the William Hill list at 100/1 and 200/1 respectively.

Or what about a Hollywood name? Chris Martin and Gwynneth-fanny-steaming-Paltrow called their daughter Apple. Frank Zappa’s Moon Unit also stands apart, not to mention Whacko Jacko’s Blanket. Hmm, on second thoughts maybe they’ll stay away from anything tainted by the Smooth Criminal.

Another more credible option knocking about is Spencer. Inspired by Diana’s family name rather than Made In Chelsea, the slightly nouveau estate agent name is ranked 6/1 and has shot up the charts lately.

Either way, given the boy is highly unlikely to wear the crown, save for a cataclysmic event or, potentially, a plague, the couple are, unlike Harry’s brother and sister-in-law, far less hemmed in by either tradition and inherent lack of creativity) meaning they really can have some fun concocting a name for a futuristic royal family. How about Jetson?