The Handbook
The Handbook

Full (fanny) steam ahead, Goop’s wellness conference is coming to London-town, and we’re busily polishing our best vagina crystals in anticipation. It’s going to be officially mad.

This May Goop, everyone’s favourite ‘health’ brand and online magazine, hosted their first wellness summit in downtown Los Angeles, now the jamboree’s heading this direction, hitting London in June. The plan is for loveable nutter-in-chief Gwyneth Paltrow, plus Goop’s chief content officer, Elise, to host panels and discussions with ‘cutting-edge’ (read “questionable’) doctors, scientists, ‘thought leaders’ and ‘some of the women (and men) who inspire us the most’.

Given previous topics of discussion that Goop has foisted on the public have included the benefits of Body Vibes stickers, which heal by emitting an ideal frequency, and which were roundly decried by actual NASA as “a load of BS”, or what about the time they told us that we’ve all probably got a parasite and we should go on a diet exclusively made up of goats’ milk. Oh, and of course, the infamous advice that women should be steaming their va-jay-jays (again, not exactly endorsed by the medical community).

As well as the bollocks emanating from the stage, there’ll be a chance to get hands-on with the borderline-bullshit in a series of restorative workshops and classes which aim to help attendees with all things spirit, body, mind, and beauty related.

And if you were wondering how they pay for all this, they’ll have their signature retail hall, so a chance to get your hands on a £10,000 golden vibrator, £2,000 shaman recommended signet rings or, if you’re lucky, a vagina egg, which is a crystal egg that you shove in your- well you get the idea.

Oh, and the punchline? Guess how much tickets for the London event are… Just guess. £1,000? Miles out. £2,000? Getting warmer. More than double it. £6,000? Okay, now you’ve overshot, it’s £4,500 for a weekend pass to the Hammersmith event, taking place the Re:Centre. You can buy a day pass for a snip at £1,000. They’ve taken the US prices and swapped the $ symbol for the £.

To be fair to Gwynnie, the weekender pass includes a two night hotel stay at the Kimpton Fitzroy hotel , cocktails, ‘Goop-favourite meals’ a VIP workout sesh and other bits and bobs. But still…

There is a workaround, though, if you’re either not on a six figure salary, or you’re saving the big bucks for the vagina eggs, you can opt into single classes. Priced at an affordable £30 it’s not a terrible compromise, and will allow you to see the likes of psychotherapists Barry Michels, fertility expert Zita West or a ‘restorative Yin yoga class’ with Emma Peel. If that kind of stuff floats your boat, thirty quid’s probably alright.

The London dates, released this week, will be 29th and 30th June, and we’re strangely excited to see what madness it all brings and will, of course, keep you firmly in the loop on all things Goop.