The Handbook
The Handbook

We don’t get a new king or queen very often in this country, so between monarchs we invariably turn to that other secretive British institution that’s close to our hearts, endlessly patriotic but still a little bit dubious with the women: James Bond. And so it’s with a hushed, deferential tone that we announce: they’ve only gone and bloody released a trailer for the next James Bond movie!! 

All hell has broken loose on an internet parched of real news since the election got boring and the Trump visit didn’t throw up any gaffes, so here’s what we know so far:

It’s called No Time To Die

Cleary the Broccolis, who control the Bond franchise, felt that the working title ‘Shatterhand’ was just a little too fecal to work and have instead plumped for the slightly more reliable No Time To Die moniker. We preferred Shatterhand.

It’s Craig’s Last Bond

This is Daniel Craig‘s last outing as Jame Bond before he’s replaced by (delete as appropriate) Henry Cavill, Richard Madden, James NortonTom Hardy, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Damian Lewis. And it looks like he’s going out with a bang. Or, rather, lots…

It’s going to be busy

There’s enough action in the trailer to get you pepped up to do anything; tidy your room, go to the gym, write this article, you get the idea. So it doesn’t look like we’re in for another Quantum of Solace snoozefest.

Bond has retired

Like Daniel Craig, James Bond has left active service when CIA officer Felix Leiter, played by Jeffrey Wright, recruits Bond’s help to find a missing scientist.

Old friends are back

We’re chuffed to see that Ralph Fiennes is back as M, Ben Whishaw is Q again (yay!), Jeffrey Wright is once again Felix Leiter, Naomie Harris returns as Miss Moneypenny, M’s chief of staff Bill Tanner is played by Rory Kinnear, Léa Seydoux is back as Bond’s old flame Madeleine Swann and, of course, Daniel Craig zimmers back onto the silver screen as Bond himself.

We’ve got new baddies

Another returnee is Christoph Waltz, who brings back Blofeld, but he’s joined by a face-tattooed Rami Malek who is looking wonderfully menacing in his Bond-Villain-lair.

The ‘Bond Girl’ is badass

Here’s to hoping that Craig’s Bond has risen with the tide of public opinion when it comes to the opposite sex, who in this film also appear to be the MI6 officer’s opposite number. Lashana Lynch, herself once in the frame as a potential Bond, plays the Secret Intelligence Service’s replacement for Bond.

Aston Martin are still milking it

Remember when Bond drove a Beamer? No, because it’s just too embarrassing to picture Pierce Brosnan behind the puny wheel of a BMW. The Aston Martin Valhalla, their upcoming supercar, stars heavily presumably issued to Lynch’s character (literally the least discreet car in the actual world, what part of SECRET intelligence do they not get?), while Bond is back wrecking yet another classic Aston DB5 (guide price between £500-£1m) – oh and he’s got minions behind the headlights.

Oh, and Fleabag’s involved!

The production of No Time To Die has been famously fraught, with director Danny Boyle jumping ship just before filming began to be replaced by Cary Fukunaga. But Craig wasn’t happy with the script so he recruited none other than Phoebe Waller-Bridge, off of Fleabag, to do a pass of the script, bring out characters and, let’s hope, polish the jokes. Although if the sex scenes are anything like Fleabag, then she’s probably gone too far.

It’s coming in April

And, of course, the one question we all want to know the answer to is when can we actually go and watch it? The release date is slated for April 3rd. So the film, and we, have just another quarter of a year of anticipation and hype to last. Let’s hope the film’s worth it, based on the trailer it really might be…

Ever wondered where James Bond likes to eat? Check out our list of London’s ‘spy restaurants’, where Bonds and Blofelds head for bites…