The Handbook
The Handbook

When the BBC’s Nick Robinson went to interview teen activist and Donald Trump nemesis Greta Thunberg on the effects of climate change, he and his crew travelled by aeroplane. Ironically, it seems that when the majority of the world’s media flock to worship at Thunberg’s crib, they travel by the least energy efficient means possible, occupying first class seats on jets designed in the 1990s. They might as well be punching the dolphins to death with their bare fists…

And spare a thought for poor Greta, she’s quite literally got Stockholm’s syndrome, stuck in sunlight-starved Sweden without access to the means of communication open to you or I, dear fellow polluter. She can’t just jump on an easyJet, instead when Thunberg wants to get somewhere they have to lay on a €4m sailing yacht.

Well now she can let out a sigh of relief, they’re putting on a new sleeper service between Malmö and Cologne which will then meet the Eurostar and whisk thousands of little Gretas to London in time for lunch.

Billed as an effort to combat climate change, according to the Trafikverket (Sweden’s equivalent of Network Rail, only good) the next time Greta decides to come and address her Extinction Rebels in Parliament Square, she can scoff a plate of vegan meatballs in Malmö Central Station before rolling out on the 19:40 sleeper. She’s then got an hour to FaceTime Bernie Sanders until they reach Copenhagen at 20.40. After a couple more hours Whatsapping cat pics to Noam Chomsky and AOC she can fall into a sober stupor only to wake in Cologne at an early-but-doable 0600. All she then has to do is cross platforms and hop on the regular EuroStar service from the German city and she’ll be high-five-ing Jeremy Corbyn at St Pancras arrivals by 11:57.

Guaranteed to be the only thing more irritating to Jeremy Clarkson than the guy who didn’t give him that steak sandwich, the Greta Express will revolutionise travel between the two countries and, of course, when she arrives we can all jump on the reverse service back to Sweden and enjoy the delights of Scandinavia while everyone here glues themselves to the Northern Line…

According to The Trafikverket, the service will start in 2022 or 2023 as part of a sleeper-train expansion plan by the Swedish government to combat climate change by providing alternatives to polluting short-haul flights