The Handbook
The Handbook

It’s been a few months since we last checked in on Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina, so we thought we’d pop our heads round the door, just to say ‘hello’. Then the internet broke.

Arguably the most talked about tw*t in Hollywood after than Harvey Weinstein, Paltrow’s foo-foo has been steamed more than a Ken Hom rice recipe, it’s played receptacle to a $15,000 golden dildo and been inhabited by a greater number of jade eggs than a battery farm of jade chickens could ever lay. But now our Gwyn-ee has outdone herself. She’s distilled the essence of, um, her essence into a candle.

I expect you have, y’know, some questions… Firstly what does Gwyneth Paltrow’s “candle” smell of? It’s self described on Goop, her hippie website and genius money spinner, as a “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent”. I’m not sure “unexpected” is exactly a quality you’d want ‘down there’ to whiff of, but in what sounds like a gynaecological first we’re actually dealing with hints of “geranium, citrusy bergamot and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed”. Quite the bouquet.

Second question, because you’re now thinking “despite myself that actually sounds pretty nice”, is how much is it? And if your eyes haven’t watered yet then they’re about to: it’s sixty quid. Touted for $75 on Goop or via the candle’s manufacturer, Heretic, the candle is arguably a poor economy, especially given it’s tiny. But the 10 1/2 ounce candle apparently packs quite a punch, described by the maker as “A voluptuous scent of fantasy and seduction”.

And final question: where can I buy it? You can’t. Not right now, because rather incredibly for A CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE A VAGINA, it’s sold out. Not only that, there’s an actual waiting list!

Needless to say, the internet greeted the news with all the warmth and understanding you’d expect. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson announced “Time to get @therock to sell candles that smell like his balls”, while plenty of wits posted alternative or parody candles. It was a good day for muffled (no pun) guffaws in the office.

You must wonder if Paltrow simply does these things to drive traffic toward Goop (here’s a link, you’ve totally earned it), but of course the real winner here is Gwyneth Paltrow’s fanny itself, which has had a serious PR coup here, because no way on earth does it smell of geranium and bergamot…

Sign up to the waiting list here (we did)