The Handbook
The Handbook

When I was in full Bridezilla mode and nothing mattered except me, myself and my wedding (my fiancé was grudgingly accepted as a necessary accessory), I decided I must have some designer shoes to complete the three outfits I planned to wear on Worship Hen Or Die Day – errr I mean for our marriage ceremony and celebration. So up I pottered to Mount Street and wandered into Christian Louboutin.

At the infamous shoe store I encountered a team of staff, all of whom had obviously bunked off the CL customer service training course and were suffering some sort of bypass in basic courtesy. Taking one glance at me they told me it’d be better if I made an appointment…

As there were five or six of them standing around doing absolutely nothing, and no customers in the shop other than me, I asked if I could just make an appointment for now. “I’m afraid we’re fully booked.”

I stormed out in a fury and went to Gina in Knightsbridge, where the most gorgeous girl from Streatham (I remember this because she was very chatty and I was pleased she didn’t speak to me like she’d been born from Monsieur Louboutin’s gold-plated arse) found me a pair of shoes that matched my dress perfectly, were half the price of all the CL tart trotters, and I could merrily skip down Sloane Street while the world continued to revolve around me, myself and my wedding.

I devoured two dark chocolate chunk Ben’s Cookies on my way home as a sort of fat-laden protest against Louboutin; I’ll bet he’s definitely one of those men who is disgusted by women who eat something as offensive as food. And now every time I eat a choc chunk cookie it’s my own personal protest against uncomfortable shoes (that the red peels off of anyway) and terrible customer service. And while I may not be able to have my favourite cookies at the moment, I am giving it my best shot trying to recreate them at home. This is as close as I can be bothered to get – really, as long as you have sugar and chocolate and it’s warm and gooey so you can eat it with a spoon, you can’t go too wrong…

F*ck You Louboutin Cookies

(Makes about ten)

– 140g salted butter, softened
– 140g soft light brown sugar
– 110g granulated sugar
– 1 large free-range egg
– ½ tsp vanilla extract
– 240g plain flour, sifted
– 1tsp baking powder
– 150g dark chocolate, broken into chunks
– Tiny pinch of salt

And here’s how to make them…

1 – Preheat the oven to 180°C and line a large baking tray with greaseproof baking paper.
2 – Beat the butter and sugars in a large bowl until smooth.
3 – Mix in the egg and vanilla extract.
4 – Add the sifted flour and baking powder and mix it all together.
5 – Fold in the chocolate chunks.
6 – Roll the dough into golf-sized balls and place at wide intervals on the paper-lined baking tray. You may only get half the dough onto the tray and will have to do two batches or use two trays.
7 – Bake for about 10-12 minutes if you like to eat them with a spoon warm from the oven too – remember that they will continue to cook once out of the oven. Give them a bit longer for a firmer bite!

Enjoy, ideally several at a time, all stuffed in at once, and remember that with every single bite you’ll be sending a message to snooty shop staff everywhere!