The Eurovision Song Contest has always been a great night in. It starts with dressing up as a country with all the stereotypical verve you can muster: baguettes and berets for France, blonde pigtails for Sweden and a soft towel for Germany so you can reserve your seat. Then it’s all about listening to Graham Norton’s sharp quips about the outfits and acts that come to the stage.

The presenter actually tapped out for a while, but he returned to 2021’s competition in Rotterdam with all his usual charm, perfectly navigating the political voting system that left the UK with nul points. There was the usual colourful array of bizarre performances that looked like devised GSCE drama productions… as well as a scandal or two to keep us all entertained…

The UK receives nul points… again

It was always going to happen wasn’t it? We could have had Adele on stage and we’d still get nul points. As it was, we had  James Newman in what was probably the UK’s worst defeat in Eurovision history. The poor guy did his very best, but has been slammed by a whole host of people, including, you guessed it, Piers Morgan.

Once again the disgraced presenter had his eloquent take on proceedings, tweeting: “We got ‘nul points’ because we had a crap song, performed by a crap singer who gave a crap performance. End.” Charming.

James’s performance was lovely, but you really need to layer on the cheesiest tunes and the most bizarre outfits if you’re going to have any chance of a position on the board. Take a cue from this year and incorporate a giant hand on stage, some ridiculous dances, and a dress the size of the Eiffel tower to get any skin in the game.

In the meantime, James has to spend 10 days in self-isolation on his return. That’ll be a pretty miserable 10 days.

The poor guy did his very best, but has been slammed by a whole host of people, including, you guessed it, Piers Morgan.

“Maybe it’ll grow on me like mould on a bathroom ceiling...”

Graham Norton was back with a bang

Graham returning to Eurovision to commentate was like finding £5 in an old coat pocket: a satisfying small victory. As per usual, he delivered some absolutely cracking lines. Including:

On Cyprus’s opening performance titled “El Diablo”: “I love it. The Orthodox church of Cyprus are less keen.”

On Germany’s performance: “This is Marmite if everyone hated Marmite.”; “Maybe it’ll grow on me like mould on a bathroom ceiling…”

On Serbia’s performance: “Goodness. I guess hairdressers haven’t reopened in Serbia.”

Thanks Graham. Please come back again.

Was it broken glass on the table or a line of coke?

Controversy has shrouded the winners in a cloud of allegations. The Italian rock band Måneskin was seen celebrating at a table and when the camera pans around, lead singer Damiano David bends his head down. Online trolls have accused him of sniffing up a quick line of coke, but he has adamantly fought back saying he was sorting out some broken glass under the table (Eurovision cleaners have confirmed there was broken glass).

Apparently, Eurovision are sending some drug tests their way, but a couple of days late. So who knows if it’s true… at least the Eurovision memes were great this year.

Online trolls have accused him of sniffing up a quick line of coke, but he has adamantly fought back saying there was broken glass under the table (which Eurovision cleaners have confirmed). 

Amanda Holden needs some language lessons

It’s always great when you have someone representing the country who is dressed up in feathers and who insults two countries in a single sentence. That’s exactly what Amanda Holden did when she was live on TV.

Reporting from the UK, she shouted: “Good evening, bonsoir, goedenavond. That is good evening in French and Dutch although I’ve got absolutely no idea which is which.”

There we are trying to rebalance all of the UK’s past evils, such as hundreds of years of colonialism, and Amanda sets us back a thousand paces. Cheers love.

Russia really dressed up for the occasion

Russia’s delegate Manizha Sangin was wearing a pretty special dress that most have compared to Doctor Who’s arch nemeses, the Daleks.

The pyramid-like structure gained a keen following, and had some noting the accuracy of the mic placement as a Dalek ‘plunger’.

The pyramid-like structure gained a keen following, and had some noting the accuracy of the mic placement as a Dalek 'plunger'. 

When Finland came after Germany…

Germany had a bizarre representative, Jendrik, who performed an upbeat number titled “I Don’t Feel Hate”, with kooky dancing, neon outfits and a giant styrofoam hand (naturally). The disturbingly upbeat and trippy performance was followed by Finland’s heavy metal performance of “Dark Side”.

It caused Twitter to erupt in some hilarious memes illustrating the paradox.

Lithuania discovered the disco

Camp, camp and more camp. That’s what Eurovision is all about, right? So it was great to see Lithuania bringing their A-game to the competition with banana yellow suits, funky disco lighting and some really rogue dance moves. Basically a reinactment of what we’re going to look like in the clubs in June after a year in confinement.

What a weekend well spent.

“That is Flo Rida, the multi-billion selling rapper. I don’t know why he’s here.”

Graham, as always, says exactly what we’re thinking. What was Flo Rida doing at the Eurovision song contest? The US rapper joined San Marino, the smallest country in Europe (yes, and they still got more points than us),  to sing their song, Adrenalina. It turns out there are no rules about different nationalities representing different countries. So next year, can we have Miley Cyrus? Maybe then we’ll get at least half a point.


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