The Handbook
The Handbook

It’s only been a couple of weeks since the last Gwyneth Paltrow nonsense, when our favourite whacky film-star-turned-entrepreneur made an absolute fortune flogging candles scented like her vagina (if you just re-read that sentence back, trying to make sense of it, here’s the story – you’re in for a good one). Well you didn’t have to wait long, because now our Gwynnie has gone and launched herself a new concept. Sea Goop.

If the thought of being stuck in a gently lolling cabin, wafting in lungfuls of Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina, miles adrift from the shoreline fills you with complete dread, then this one’s not for you. But if that’s the kind of madness that makes you want to reach for your sou’wester and jade eggs, then read on… Goop are going on a cruise.

Goop, the lifestyle brand that is apparently valued at $250m, has previously touted the quasi medical benefits of stuffing crystals up your vagina, steaming your vagina, using ‘fur oil’ around your vagina, and yes if you’re spotting a pattern you’re right: it’s bonkersness.

The latest cruise concept, dubbed Goop At Sea, will see Goopers file up the gangplank for a week of cruising aboard the 2,910-passenger Celebrity Apex cruise ship. Taking in nine destinations across the Med, including Spain, France and Italy this August, only one day will be devoted to Goop. Paltrow and her ‘lab’ colleagues will join cruisers en-route mid-way and for the princely sum of £575 (on top of the (from!) £4,040 per person cost of the cruise).

Attendees can look forward to talks from not only Fanny Steamer In Chief, Paltrow, but also her ‘Chief Content Officer’ and right-hand-person Elise Loehnen before the workshop plunges into a mental health mind session, an active group workout class body session and a so-called soul session, guided by a “beloved spirituality teacher’.

According to Paltrow, “This partnership with Celebrity Cruises allows us to bring Goop to new audiences and to meet readers where they are”, continuing “Goop’s brand DNA is based in curiosity, and curiosity is an essential component of travel. With Goop at Sea, we’ll be invoking that adventurous spirit with a series of transformative experiences led by a few of our most-trusted wellness practitioners and healers”.

And, if there you have it. Nuff said. Or should that be muff?