Under all the nonsense you’d have to think that former filmstar turned quack doctor and public health enemy Gwyneth Paltrow must be pretty switched on. After all, she’s built an entire lifestyle brand based on little more than vagina-based nut-jobbery to the tune of an apparent value of £250m. And yet, incredibly for someone who famously stated “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin”, it turns out she’s not on top of her Companies House paperwork. And all is not well in the candle department either…

As any small business holder knows, filing annual returns and accounts is a bit of a drag. But Sliding Doors star Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t running a market stall on Portobello Market or eBaying knitted cat clothes, she’s running Goop, a £250m corporation, she’s got a huge contract with Netflix and she’s still got time for some top-level fanny steaming. You’d expect she’d have a lawyer and accountant in London making sure to file her accounts. But it seems that for the second time in two years Companies House have made moves to strike Goop off the register.

Oops, I did it again...

Goop was founded by Paltrow when she lived in the UK, building the business from a weekly lifestyle newsletter into a huge global wellness, fashion, food and genitalia brand. When she ‘consciously uncoupled’ from Coldplay’s Chris Martin in 2014 she upped-sticks and moved the company’s HQ to the US.

It seems that candles designed to smell like Gwynnie's vagina are exploding in people's faces...

And now, despite numerous letters from Companies House, sole director Gwyneth’s accounts are significantly overdue.

The latest letter sent to the company gave an ultimatum to completely dissolve the business and pass all rights and assets to The Crown unless they object before June 6th. Apparently they have now lodged an objection, pausing the process, with a statement from Goop clarifying “There is no active strike-off action against Goop Inc Ltd.”. Which is at odds with the listing on companies house.

But, incredibly, this isn’t Goop’s biggest worry right now. It seems that that candles designed to smell like Gwynnie’s vagina are exploding in people’s faces…

The candle, which reportedly apes the scent of the actor’s private parts (a gynaecologically  unlikely combination of geranium, citrusy bergamot and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed, in case you were wondering) is subtly called ‘This smells like my vagina’, just in case there was any room for ambiguity.

She's running Goop, a £250m corporation, she's got a huge contract with Netflix and she's still got time for some top-level fanny steaming...

But a Texas man is now suing Goop for $5m after one of the candles ‘exploded’ on his bedside table. Colby Watson claims the candle burned for around three hours before it “exploded” and was “engulfed in high flames”, according to documents filed in court. Despite having no injuries Watson was left with a “black burn ring” on his table and a “charred and black” candle jar. Somehow this is worth $5m in damages…

Does what it says on the tin...
Glam Gwynnie

Goop rejects the claim, saying it’s “frivolous” and “an attempt to secure an outsized payout from a press-heavy product”. Given a candle claiming to smell like Paltrow’s pussy is humankind’s peak ‘frivolous’ and the candle’s ‘press heavy product’ has netted many millions for Goop, there’s clearly no room for irony at the lifestyle company.

But awkwardly it’s not the first time. The candles, made by Heretic Parfum, were already battling a claim by a woman with a very similar story. Despite claiming the candles have undergone rigorous testing and are entirely safe, they seem to have pulled the candles for the time being.

Jody Thompson won one of the coveted candles in a work quiz, and the second time she lit it “all hell was unleashed”.

In an interview Thompson explained “A few minutes after I lit the candle, it exploded. Flames roared half a metre out of the jar and bits of molten wax flew out as it fizzed and spat. We couldn’t get near it to blow it out as the flames were so ferocious, and we didn’t want to throw water on it for fear of splashing molten wax everywhere. Luckily, I had placed it on concrete, at the base of what was once a fireplace.

“Thankfully, after what seemed like an age, but was probably no more than five minutes, the flames subsided and I could blow the candle out. The charred jar and melted label were testament to how hot it had become”

She claims that Goop were fully aware of the defect and continued to profit from it.

With all this going on, no wonder Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t have a moment to spare to reply to Companies House.

Check out Goop here, and maybe buy a $15,000 dildo to help meet their legal bills…

A still from Netflix's literally navel-gazing show Goop Lab

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