The Handbook
The Handbook

Putting my life in the hands of Kourtney Kardashian was perhaps not the brightest thing I did this week, and this was a week when I panic bought elastic bands.

When it comes to global health pandemics there are information sources beyond the Kardashians that should probably take precedence, the WHO, the NHS, Chris Whitty. In fact the Kardashians probably rank among the likes of my neighbour’s pet dog Samson and Donald Trump for trustworthiness in a crisis.

Which is why I approached Kourtney Kardashian’s homemade hand sanitiser recipe with extreme caution and would never use it to actually, y’know, sanitise anything. But I was curious…

1. Ingredients

Kourtney kindly posted the recipe on Poosh, which is like a more vacuous version of Goop, if such a thing was possible. I’ll include the list at the end, but everything was available on Amazon Prime and it arrived next day.

You’ll also need some American measuring spoons.

2. Alcohol!

Start with the rubbing alcohol, you need two tablespoons. And this is the first thing to note, Americans have different tablespoons to us. Basically they’re bigger than a British tablespoon, which makes sense when you think of a Floridian waistline.

Add the rubbing alcohol (tastes grim, don’t try as it’ll kill you) and then…

3. Vegetable Glycerin

Pour in the vegetable glycerin, which is often made from palm oils, so shoutout to Kourtney doing her bit for the planet here… This part is apparently optional, but this wasn’t some Aldi version of Kourtney’s concoction so in it went.

4. ‘Allo Vera!

There’s something universally amusing about anything that sounds like a fart (presumably not in the Kardashian household, where I suspect it’s Kate Middleton rules in the fart department). But a tube of aloe vera, squeezed out in its entirety, sounds like Kourtney’s got the runs. Make sure anyone in the vicinity is warned, I didn’t and the whole office (this was in the distant days of last Monday when there was an office) thought I had a problem.

4 – 30 Drops…

You then add 15 drops of tea tree oil and 15 drops of cinnamon essential oil. It comes out fast, so count quick.

Apparently you can work out your lung’s oxygen levels in time of Corona by seeing how fast you can count to 30. If you can do it in eight seconds you’re apparently fine. This sounds spurious, but here’s a chance to see if you need to be hospitalised and make Kourtney’s hand sanitiser at the same time. Win-win.

5 – Eucalyptus

Another ‘optional’ ingredient is orange or eucalyptus. Sainsbury’s doesn’t seem to have eucalyptus in the veg aisle and I’m not a koala bear so opted for orange. Squeezed in whole.

6 – Water

Finally you add in colloidal silver or distilled water for ‘the consistency you like’. Unsure what consistency I liked, I opted for somewhere between mush and gloop.

I also went with the distilled water over colloidal silver as I didn’t want to be too showy.

And there you have it, hand sanitiser. And here’s the thing, it didn’t actually seem that bad. In fact, it smelt great, albeit a bit Christmassy thanks to the cinnamon. I’m not a great chef, but thanks to Kourtney Kardashian I made something that wasn’t half shabby.

Except at a cost. Firstly all the medical advice is against making this stuff, given your granny’s life may actually hinge on you getting the dosages right here, because if it doesn’t sanitise then you’re at risk of spreading a deadly disease.But also at an actual cost. A bottle of hand sanitiser, in normal times, costs around 50p to £2. The ingredients for Kourtney’s cost approximately £30. Making this the most expensive and simultaneously least effective hand sanitiser on the market.

Still, you might not be able to look like a Kardashian, but now at least you can wash your hands like one.

Genuinely, though, don’t even think about trying to make this stuff to protect yourself, there’s literally no guarantee. Stick to tried-and-tested soap and water.

Image: Kourtney Kardashian/Instagram... This is how I don't look...

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