The Handbook
The Handbook

It’s tough being a princess, you go on telly to promote a project you’re passionate about, and all anyone’s interested in is your use of the fart emoji…

Despite any blasphemy emanating from The Crown that the royal family might, underneath, be normal people with normal struggles, desires and fears, the message transmitted from all royal channels is that they remain magical and broadly perfect. Except for Harry, who was misled by the American. But now a chink of humanity has been uncovered: Kate uses emojis.

The perfectly presented princess, poshed up in a purple Gucci blouse, was taking to the ‘Gram to promote her latest ‘Early Years’ video.

We know it’s a Gucci blouse because the papers were completely bowled over by the fact she’s ‘recycled’ it. Which isn’t palace talk for ‘she rooted it out of a bin outside of Oxfam’ but rather it means she’s wearing it for a second time. Like us muggles do with every single piece of clothing! Quite why Kate would deign to wear a £790 Gucci shirt more than once before tossing it into the garbage disposal is a mystery but her people clearly think it humanises her. But not as much as the purple alien emoji.

We know it's a Gucci blouse because the papers were completely bowled over by the fact she's 'recycled' it...

In an unguarded moment the Duchess accidentally flashed her screen up for just long enough for the eagle eyed and the bored-of-WFHing-ers to hit pause and painstakingly cross reference the blurred emoji on screen with the 3,353 emojis currently available.

Photo: Instagram/Kensington Palace

Clearly forgetting that her iPhone 10 Pro (who’s the pro now?) will revert to your most-used emojis when you flip up your keyboard, The Artist Formally Known As Kate Middleton gave us an insight into royal life at Kensington Palace.

In an unguarded moment the Duchess accidentally flashed her screen up for just long enough...

So, and I can tell you’re hanging off the edge of your seat in suspense to find out, which emojis does the Princess use? Well here they are, and we’re guessing these are the correct contexts…*

👭 Two Women Holding Hands

Despite sounding like a piece of Renaissance art, two women holding hands is classically misunderstood to be a little boy and a little girl…

“Bad luck Louis, nobody remembers the third child 👭

🍍 Pineapple

According to the tiara classes, the pineapple emoji is often used to represent a crown…

“Are we getting takeaway? Could we dress down, perhaps only the Queen Mary crown🍍?”

🤬 Swearing face

Speaks for itself. Mainly in hashtags…

“Why the 🤬 did you let Prince Andrew talk me into going to Pizza Express tomorrow?” 

👾 Space invader monster

Fresh from the popular ’80s arcade game and into Princess Kate’s emoji repertoire. Who was the space invader?

“Back from Woking, enjoyed the Sloppy Guiseppi but your uncle is such a creepy 👾

🤮 Vomiting face

Possibly the least subtle emoji in the cannon…

“OMG, that pizza’s repeating on me pretty bad 🤮. Could Andy’ve slipped something in there?

🥒 Cucumber

Given how keen on clean living the hockey-loving princess is, it’s likely there was an entirely wholesome reason for her use of the emoji for this phallic veg…

“My phone’s not letting me use the egg plant emoji for some reason, but 🥒…?”

🙇‍♀️ Bowing woman

While the bowing woman is probably one of the least used in your household, presumably it’s in every royal’s top used emojis…

“Did you see how shallow Eugenie’s courtesy to me was? Gosh I miss Theresa May 🙇‍♀️

💨 Puff of air

The internationally accepted ‘fart’ emoji. Nuff said…

“Wills, help me. I’m stuck next to Prince Philip 💨 and about to suffocate. Last time we serve bean chilli”

* Obviously this is all imagined. We’ll leave the actual phone hacking to the tabloids…

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