Princess Eugenie, the one you can’t quite remember which she is, has given birth to a baby boy! I know that she’ll be as mystified by all the interest as we are, but the fact remains that the public are obsessed with this stuff so here we are reporting it, further piquing public interest and so requiring the media to report on it. Loop ad finitum.

Still, because you’re vaguely interested and by now you think you’ve probably just about figured out who she is (she’s the one in the funny hat, right? No, that’s the other one. Actually wait, is Eugenie one of William and Kate’s sprogs? After Prince George you stopped caring, truth be told), here’s the news from your stand-in royal correspondent.

Princess Eugenie, umpteenth in line to the throne (well, 10th) and her husband Jack Brooksbank have had a baby boy at five to nine in the morning yesterday, Tuesday 9th February.

The weight was 8lbs 1oz. Or whatever that is in metric...

Because, after the sex, it’s somehow considered the most important thing (a long way before ‘mother doing well’) the weight was 8lbs 1oz. Or whatever that is in metric, for the Remainers.

Of course people aren’t really interested in the weight, just in how big it is, and the relative pain that infers. Really they should give the diameter of babies’ heads, that’s all we need.

The couple were married in 2018 and while Mrs Brooksbank is busy nine to five Princessing, Jack works as a brand ambassador for George Clooney’s smart tequila brand, Casamigos (‘Shots!’).

The baby was born at the £10,000-a-night Portland hospital and Buckingham Palace have released a statement saying “The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Duke of York, Sarah, Duchess of York, and Mr and Mrs George Brooksbank have been informed and are delighted with the news.”

Short sweet and, in any sane world, all the information we need, rather than articles like this one sensationalising it all.

A carefully manicured Eugenie also did an Instagram post of her hand and the hand of her as-yet-unnamed newborn nestled in either ET’s or Jack Brooksbank’s grip.

The child may be the daughter of a princess, but because of Britain’s archaically sexist laws of primogeniture, he won’t receive any title whatsoever, unless the Queen decides to reward his existence with a gong.

Of course the one person who won’t be celebrating tonight is the Earl of Wessex. Poor Prince Edward has been bumped even further down the line of succession, from third at birth to now twelth. An extraordinary event would now be required for him to assume the throne. But who knows what he’s got planned…

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