Fanny Steaming And 5 Other Reasons To Hate Gwyneth Paltrow’s Notting Hill Pop-Up

By Phil Clarke, Editor of The Handbook website Phil Clarke |
30th September 2018

There’s a new pop-up that’s somehow made its way across the Atlantic and onto Westbourne Grove without anyone batting an eyelid. Welcome Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s oh-so-nutty shop. If you’re looking for ground-zero of vaginal steaming, 24 karat gold dildos and endless goats milk then here it is. The physical outworking of Gwynnie’s blog ‘Goop’, the pop-up has just opened and we can only hope it’s going to be as dotty as it should be. So before we check out the opening in person, here  are six times that Goop has made us want to slam our fingers in the car door…

When she wanted us to buy £10,000 golden vibrators

When she wanted us to buy £10,000 golden vibrators

“Let’s talk about sex”, invites the Goop blog. before giving us an array of sex toys to peruse. Which is fine, who hasn’t sat through an agonising Ann Summers party? On offer Goop has £12 lube (or, rather, Sliquid’s Organics Natural Gel), a Jimmy Jane’s feather ‘tickler’ and a ‘fetish beginners kit’ and then the big daddy (an ill-considered phrase) a full-on £10,000 golden vibrator. With 24 karats of pleasure it really is, to quote Paltrow’s consciously uncoupled ex, “All Yellow”.

Website: www.goop.com

When she tried to flog space stickers...

When she tried to flog space stickers...

Don’t get me wrong, I love stickers. I’m still on the lookout for Ronaldo to complete my Pannini 1998 World Cup stickerbook. What I’m not on the lookout for is Body Vibes wearable stickers. Gloop reckons that wearing stickers is an actual healing method.

Goop waxed lyrical, saying “Human bodies operate at an ideal energetic frequency… Body Vibes stickers come pre-programmed to an ideal frequency, allowing them to target imbalances” and added that they use the same technology found in NASA’s spacesuits. An assertion NASA’s chief spacesuit scientist described as “a load of BS”.

Which brings us full-circle to England’s 1998 World Cup squad: Glenn Hoddle would’ve loved this stuff.

Website: Check out the stickers...

When her shaman went on about spirit animals...

When her shaman went on about spirit animals...

What’s your spirit animal? I think mine’s probably a blue-footed booby. However, according to Goop’s on-hand shaman (shawoman? shaperson??), Colleen McCann, a spirit animal is “characterized as a teacher or messenger that comes in the form of an animal and has a personal relationship to an individual”. The shaman then reveals that you can purchase a $2,400 signet ring engraved with a picture of your spirit animal. So long as they’re zodiac signs.

Sadly they don’t feature any blue-footed boobies, so that’s a no from me.

Website: www.goop.com

When she said you probably have a parasite...

When she said you probably have a parasite...

Have you got a parasite? You probably have, but don’t worry. There’s a really simple solution. What? Go to your GP? Better! Head down to the pharmacist? Are you nuts? No, there’s only one solution to the fact that you maybe probably do have a parasite and you’re gonna love it. Just drink goats’ milk for a week. Only goats’ milk. Breakfast, lunch and dinner: goats’ milk.

Just like nanny (goat) would want it.

Website: www.goop.com

When she sold us vagina eggs

When she sold us vagina eggs

You know what your vagina needs more of? Rose quartz eggs. Goop suggests that you take one of their stone eggs and making “sure to follow the instructions included with your egg” shove it up your self as the solution to inner something.

The eggs are made exclusively for Goop and helpfully come “pre drilled for string add-on; we recommend using unwaxed dental floss”.

I’m unclear on where the dental floss come in and think it’s best we leave it that way.

Website: www.goop.com

When she steamed her bits...

When she steamed her bits...

And, remaining on the subject of the former Mrs Martin’s privates, her infamous fanny steaming. She explains: “You sit on what is essentially a mini throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam treats you to an energetic release”  Up your foo foo, that is.

Goop pretty much leapt into the public consciousness when the blog published Paltrow’s breathless description of the ‘Mugwort V-Steam’, available at Santa Monica’s Tikkun Spa. Think how different it would’ve been if Meghan’s The Tig had gone in this direction, would Gwynnie be married to Harry? Or would Her Maj’s thrones be about to get the sort of makeover that’d make the state opening of parliament truly worth a watch?

 

Website: www.goop.com


And there is is, just a handful of reasons to hate Gwyneth Paltrow’s new pop-up. Except secretly we all love it. And, like motorway rubber-neckers or curious cats en route to an appointment with the reaper,  you and I both will be down at the Goop pop-up just like everyone else. And now you’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got to stock up on goats’ milk.

Goop pops-up at 188 Westbourne Grove, Notting Hill, W11 2RH

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