It’s Written In The Stars: Your “100% Legit” 2020 Horoscope

8th January 2020

Mystic Phil is back! By unpopular lack of demand our resident soothsayer returns to read the runes, tinker with the tealeaves and count the chickens. Having predicted almost nothing correctly in last year’s hundred percent legitimate horoscope, we’re now seeking to double down on that failure with another set of twelve pieces of nonsense (unlike all those accurate, diligently researched, cleverly crafted horoscopes carried by our competitors).

Aquarius: 21 January – 18 February

Aquarius be scaredious, the stars are not aligning for you this year. It might well be worth becoming agoraphobic this year because being out of doors is not your friend. Watch out for falling objects at the least expected moments. No, Kylie, it’s not raining men, but it might well be raining masonry…

Pisces: 19 February– 20 March

If you’re madly deeply in love as we head into the new decade, then watch out. Much like Boris and Donald, it’s unlikely your special relationship will make it through 2020 intact. Expect a mopey Christmas and a barren start to 2021. Outlook for NYE kisses: bleak.

Aries: 21 March – 20 April

Delving into the mists of time I’m communing with your ancestors. They’re trying to tell me where they buried the treasure so you can retrieve it and be rich beyond your wildest dreams. I can see boxes dripping with diamonds, gold amulets and ruby-studded goblets. They’re giving me directions, wait, wait – hang on, call waiting… Oh, the line’s gone dead.

Taurus: 21 April – 21 May

If money is the root of all evil, expect your most virtuous year to date. Finances in 2020 will be very tight indeed and an unexpected event may render you near-bankrupt. Probably best to start cutting back now.

Gemini: 22 May – 21 June

Europe will be the issue at the top of your consciousness this year. Not as a result of Britain’s leaving, but because you will get very very drunk and specially commission a ‘Brexit’ tattoo. Nigel’s eyes will now follow you around every day for the rest of your life.

Cancer: 22 June – 22 July

I see a tall dark stranger… I think he’s from HMRC.

Leo: 23 July – 23 August

It’s appropriate that 2020 is the year of the rat. Because you’re about to suffer an infestation. Hundreds of the things, crawling between the walls, scuttling in the ceiling and nestling in your duvet. The pest control man will comment that he’s never seen anything like it. Rat babies in your sock drawer: happy 2020.

Virgo: 24 August – 22 September

A freak squirrel attack will leave you permanently disfigured.

Libra: 23 September – 23 October

Next time you’re at a dinner party you must turn to the person to your right and say ‘I’m from the future. This is all a set up, the food is spiked, I’ve got a helicopter waiting outside, on my signal we need to dive under the table’.

Scorpio: 24 October – 22 November

Forget all those diets, put aside getting fit. This year you’re destined to put on around a stone. Don’t fight it, solace lies in chips. Embrace the trans fats, put on Netflix, invest in a onesie and wear it down the shops.

Sagittarius: 23 November – 21 December

Are you afraid of flying? 2020 is probably the year you should start be. Just a hint.

Capricorn: 22 December – 20 January

Immense wealth will come your way this year. The stars will align perfectly to bring together all areas of your life in perfect harmony, from your love life to your work life. Don’t forget to raise a glass to me, coincidentally it’s my birthday in late December, and maybe buy a Euromillions ticket…

Until next year, have a mysterious 2020, or even better use your brain and ignore horoscopes altogether…

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