The Handbook
The Handbook

At a time when Europe is the most divisive issue in Britain, there’s one European institution that everyone wants to make sure we have a long and ever deepening union with: Eurovision. David Cameron could still be Prime Minister if he’d campaigned for the referendum on a manifesto of making Conchita Wurst Home Secretary. So without further ado, here’s where we’ll be celebrating this year’s Eurovision finals…


Proving that there’s more to German musical appreciation than ghastly oompah music, Bierschenke will be screening Eurovision, and playing ghastly oompah music. You think the Eurovision experiences can’t be improved? Try watching it with a hall of people wearing leather dungashorts. The live action straight from Tel Aviv will be broadcast on 12 HD screens and the gaps between the acts will be filled by the not super Germanic-sounding DJ Dave.

Where: 4 London Wall Buildings, Blomfield Street, Moorgate, EC2M 5NT

The Windmill

Presumably just for the lolz of singing ‘WATERLOO!’ a LOT, The Windmill pub, in WATERLOO! will be hosting a Eurovision party this weekend. Guests won’t be able to move for confetti filled balloons and five screens (including, for good measure, a massive projector). As if that wasn’t enough, stand by for their Eurovision playlist and Eurovision wheel spinning game. Finally, everyone will be filling in a scorecard during the contest, the closest to the actual scores will win what’s billed as ‘the ultimate prize of the party’. WATERLOO!

Where: 86 The Cut, Lambeth, SE1 8LW

The Glory

What’s the story Eurovision at The Glory? The East End club and LGBTQ+ performance venue is owned by drag stars Jonny Woo and John Sizzle who will be hosting a rip-roarious Eurovision screening over two glorious floors. After the action, the post show disco party will be courtesy of Spain’s Mariano Robles with guest Euro Lip Syncs.

Where: 281 Kingsland Road, Haggerston, E2 8AS

Underbelly Festival, Southbank

If Eurovision couldn’t be any more alternative, stand by for The Underbelly Festival, Southbank. The event is now celebrating its 10th anniversary with a kitsch and diverse range of cabaret acts that will make Conchita look like an accountant. Hostessed by the wonderful Anna Greenwood, we’re promised turns from a diverse selection of artists including Vikki Stone, Des O’Connor, Victoria Falconer, Amber Topaz, Tom Mones, Myra Dubois, Carol Cates and The Ruby Darlings. Standby for two hours of madness.

Where: 30 The Queen's Walk, Lambeth, SE1 8XX

The Crown and Shuttle

Beloved pub The Water Poet is coming back from the actual dead for Eurovision this year. Resurrected for one night only, the pub’s legendary Eurovision party will, bizarrely, still be on, but held at the pub’s sister venue, the Crown and Shuttle. Confused? So are we, but it’s Eurovision so anything goes! Specifially going at The Water Poet slash Crown and Shuttle will be the obligatory selection of Eurovision tunes, fruit cocktails, photo booths and costume competitions, with lots and lots of drinks prizes. They’re doing things in style, with various events over the Eurovision period, so expect semi final screenings in Filthy Fanny’s cocktail bar and garden terrace, a Eurovision Quiz on Thursday and an all day extravaganza this Saturday, including a special Eurovision cocktail list (including the Gina G&T (geddit?)).

Where: 226 Shoreditch High Street, Shoreditch, E1 6PJ

Baz and Fred

Everyone loves a quattro formaggio pizza, apart from vegans. Okay, everyone apart from vegans loves a quattro formaggio pizza, oh except for lactose intolerants. Right, everyone apart from non-dairy and non-vegans LOVES a quattro formaggio pizza, RIGHT? Bloody right! Well step aside quattro formaggio, we’ve got the Quarantuno Formaggi pizza, featuring 41 different cheeses each from a different Eurovision  country. So it’s halloumi from Cyprus, Wensleydale from the UK, camembert from France, Kajmak Travnik from Azerbaijan and so on. The whole thing is a tie-in with SpareRoom who have stepped in to cover the cost in return for some free advertising, which means that this monster 41 cheese pizza is entirely free. Bad luck is you’re intolerant or vegan.

Available between 13.30pm and 5pm and 6pm and 10pm Saturday 18th May

Where: Flat Iron Square, 64 Southwark Street, Borough, SE1 1RU