10 Things You Need To Know About The Royal Baby

By Phil Clarke, Editor of The Handbook website Phil Clarke |
24th March 2019

No doubt you’re in a constant state of hyperventilation given that the birth of Meghan and Harry’s baby is apparently vaguely imminent. Well take the paper bag away from your mouth, we have some answers, truths and half-truths to satisfy your fundamental need for royal baby news. The one thing that is certain, though, is that former Suits star and current lead actor in the original version of The Crown (think about it), Meghan Markle, will give birth at some point to something.

So here is all the information we skimmed off everyone else’s coverage, nearly all articles themselves regurgitating the work of others, just less openly than we’re being, as journalists breath the ever diminishing supply of actual news-oxygen, like stranded sailors on a lost submarine. Which is probably the sort of place you’ll want to be when this baby suddenly arrives because it’s going to go off.

When’s it due?

Sort of soonish (just mail us the Pulitzer for investigative journalism). In January Meghan Markle let slip that she was six months pregnant, while in October she said she was at 12 weeks. Which, by the power of actual maths, means that the royal baby’s going to be born in April or May.

It probably wasn’t a wedding night conception (it would have been due on 23rd March), but I look forward to backward sussing the Sussex’s sexlife just as soon as it’s born. Either way, we’re sure the baby is going to be due any day now – eek!

Will she have a nanny?

It’s the question on everyone’s lips, but something we actually don’t know! According to a report by Vanity Fair they’ll lean on Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland first, who’ll have her own designated bedroom. Aside from Mum lending a hand we’re sure there’ll be a huge amount of people willing and ready to help. Will and Kate use Maria Teresa Turrion Borrallo who went to a prestigious nanny school and we’re sure whoever Harry and Meghan choose, if they do, will follow suit.

What sex will the baby be?

Obviously we don’t know. Like, obviously. But maybe they don’t either. The royal couple have done nothing to steer the public one way or the other, announcing that they want to keep it a surprise. Which may just mean a surprise from you and me, as they’ll have now had their 20 week scan and will certainly have the means to know. It seems plausible, though, that they really have decided to keep it a surprise, after all, with so much else pre-destined in their futures, a bit of uncertainty might be welcome – y’know, mix it up a little. Of course, at least one person does know the future sex, the couple’s obstetrician, who is presumably keeping a seriously low profile.

Here’s a piece of utterly unscientific research for you I did on the back of a piece of discarded photocopier paper. Since Queen Victoria, there have been 40 children born to monarchs (including assumed future monarchs, Prince Charles and Prince William), which evens out at 13 girls and 17 boys. So maybe there’s slightly more chance of a boy? Maybe? If you don’t take account of the fact that this brings in no data from Meghan’s, Princess Di’s, Prince Philip’s family and so on. So yeah, ignore this entire paragraph (unless you’re a tabloid, in which case go ahead and copy it verbatim).

Wait, what about Zika?

Meghan and Harry travelled in zika-hit regions while she was pregnant, visiting Tonga and Fiji on an official visit. However, the royal couple ‘took precautions’. Bizarrely this simply consisted of wearing long sleeves, light colours and baggy clothes. As zika is transmitted by mosquitoes, this low-tech strategy hopefully held the mozzies, and the zika, at bay.

Will they have it on the NHS?

It’s become tradition for the royals to have their babies in the £7,500 a night Lido Wing. When it comes to births, Kate and Wills were very keen to make clear that they weren’t at one with their people. Meghan and Harry, meanwhile, are more touchy feely and are reported to be considering Frimley Park Hospital for their delivery. To be fair to the royals, the media circus surrounding these events mean that muggle mothers in the bays around the princess might suffer in a regular hospital, but we’re pretty sure the Lido Wing is significantly more comfortable too.

What else do we know about the birth?

Meghan’s using a ‘doula’, a birthing partner called Lauren will be helping the duke and duchess prepare for the birth.

What will it be called?

Well unless they’re going to go full-on Moon Unit, it’ll probably be something relatively sensible (at least, more sensible than putting an ‘h’ in Megan). James and Victoria are bookie’s favourites, though. We wonder if there’ll be something a bit more ‘out there’, after all if it’s never going to be king, you can live a little. Perhaps Maud, for a girl? Maud of Wales was one of Edward VII’s children.

Where are they going to live?

Like so many in their thirties, the royal couple are leaving London. But probably not because of overcrowding on the tube or worries over house prices. Their new home will be in Frogmore Cottage on the Windsor Castle estate. Built by Queen Charlotte in 1801 it’s a little grander than most cottages, but is relatively modest for royalty. The move will also replace their top-secret Cotswolds bolthole they’ve been quietly renting for the last year or so.

What about titles?

The royals love their titles! But Prince Harry’s child won’t automatically receive be a prince or princess, a relatively new precedent thanks to George V who declared in 1917 that only oldest son of the Prince of Wales’s oldest son was entitled to be styled His Royal Highness and a Prince. However the Queen issued letters patent (ie changed the rules) to ensure that all Prince William’s children will be HRHs and Princes and Princesses. It’s unclear if this will apply to Harry’s children. However, given their parents are a Duke and Duchess, their eldest son will be an Earl and their daughters will be ladies. So still not too bad.

Will they dress them like creepy Edwardian ghosts?

There’s something a little odd about how the royals dress their children. They always look like they’ve walked off the set of some period drama. The big question is, will Harry and Meghan continue the tradition? Let’s watch this space.

Either way, we’ll know the answer to nearly all these questions in just a few days or weeks time. Perhaps there are more important things in the world to be stressing about?

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