The Handbook
The Handbook

Do you remember when the most stressful thing in the world was whether to go in for one air kiss or two? And the constant jeopardy of getting it wrong and having to explain why you just accidentally snogged a pensioner. Well, it’s coming back! Octogenarians pucker up.

The one and two-metre rules have been in place for a year now, meaning you can’t go within three feet of anyone who isn’t in your bubble. The rule has had profound effects on society, from restricting the number of people in Tesco or on the 344 bus to how wide new build pavements are and how close to the bar we can go in the pub.

But Boris has this weekend, signalled that all that’s about to change.

Amid Britain’s soaring vaccination rates, set to see people in their 30s get the jab this week, and plummeting covid cases and deaths (just one death reported yesterday), the Prime Minister has called time on the 1-metre rule.

Boris this weekend has signalled that all that's about to change...

Speaking on a visit to Hartlepool yesterday (where the government is hoping to pull of an unexpected win as part of a ‘vaccine bounce’) the PM told reporters that there’s a “good chance” that the rule will be dropped to coincide with the 21st June ‘back to normal’ date.

Which, of course, means that we’ll be able to embrace once again, hugging grandparents, greeting friends and squeezing onto the Northern Line in rush hour, cheek-to-jowl with your fellow commuters.

It will also decriminalise pashing in public. Quite how single-Britain has managed to get through a year without being legally allowed to make out with anyone outside of their bubble is a mystery.

It will also decriminalise pashing in public...

But for some of us, the end of the rule will be tinged with a sliver of regret. British people simply don’t enjoy sharing our personal space. There’s little more irritating than a friend or, worse, stranger who won’t respect your personal space.

These spittle spewing monsters will now have a government license to get in your face once more, to sit next to you on public transport when there are chairs further away they could’ve easily chosen or to grab your elbow or knee to emphasise a point.

An army of man spreading, over-familiar hugging, ¬†gesticulating space invaders is coming your way. Starting June 21st…


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