Birthday parties, leaving parties, engagement parties, sex parties; they’re all just parties, right? Okay, you’d hope for less bodily fluid at a colleague’s leaving party, but still, it’s all in the same ball park. I mean, I got a leaflet through from the Brexit Party yesterday, and that’s way more offensive than a little sex party.
And so, on that thought of Nigel Farage, here are some sex party suggestions.
Thankfully not advocating the premature deaths of actual cats, Killing Kittens was founded by Kate Middleton’s former bezzie Emma Sayle in 2005. Advocating women’s liberation (single men aren’t allowed to attend on their own), the name takes its inspiration from the phrase ‘every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten’, which explains all those Missing Cat posters you see sellotaped to lamp posts.
The parties are renowned for being brutally exclusive (members must undergo a thorough vetting process), extravagant and masked. It’s the definition of classy, albeit in sex party terms.
According to our Handbook colleague who ‘accidentally’ attended a party, she really was ‘hit by the smell’ as she ascended the grand staircase, that and ‘the sight of writhing bodies – sex and blowjobs everywhere’. Well, Kate, if William ever strays…
Potter fans look away, there’s nothing Gryffindor about Club Hermione, in fact it’s positively Slither-in… Held on the last Saturday of each month and self-described as ‘not fetish parties’, the gatherings bring beautiful people together dressed in suits and cocktail dresses, then at ten thirty it’s ‘obligatory’ for ladies to wear ‘sexy lingerie’ (the website helpfully proscribes brands – Agent Provacateur, La Perla, Coco de Mer and Victoria’s Secret (no mention of M&S)).
The swingers parties are for couples and single girls only and parties are only held in luxury central London venues.
Cinderella might have ended very differently if the fairy godmothers had meant Torture Garden when they declared ‘You shall go to the ball’. Torture Garden is probably not the place to find your prince, unless you’re after the Marquis de Sade. It is the place to come (operative word) if you’re into fetish fancy dress… and sex.
Billed as the world’s largest fetish and body art club. Their themed balls are the stuff of legend, it’s at once extreme and acceptable.
Seemingly without the some of the luxury veneer of some of the other sex parties on the market, Hedonism has a more ‘readers’ wives’ take on swinging, taking things back to basics. Set up in the 1970s, Hedonism claims to be the oldest UK swingers’ party, and organises swingers’ parties, clubs and even holidays, providing an umbrella organisation for swinging clubs and groups across the country.
All this happens at the grubbier end of the scale, but still remarkably popular, and probably beats flashing headlights in an out-of-town car park.
While potentially odd to name your sex party after an antonym for ‘disease’, Fever Parties nevertheless takes things back up-market. Fever Parties are reserved for good looking young sexually liberated couples and single girls and is known for the high production values and admittance standards (no fatties) at their West End bashes. Tasteful and upmarket, it’s the place for cosmopolitan young professionals. Who want to have sex with strangers.