Can you imagine the horror on the postman’s face when he delivered a barrage of vibrating sex toys to our office door? Yep, turns out writing a piece on sex objects comes with the horrifying yet strangely amusing consequence of having dildos pushed through your letter box. Not that we were complaining, of course…
As Valentine’s Day fast approaches sex toys are flying off shelves quicker than Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels rendezvous lasted. From butt plugs to vibrators fabricated as lipsticks to complex and bewildering toys that should come accompanied with a beginners guide for dummies on where to stick them, there’s something for every orifice… oops, sorry we meant person. Let’s face it, Fifty Shades of Grey writer E.L.James boosted all our libidos after her raunchy red room related sequel, and a 2017 study shows that over half of Britain’s population owns one… you naughty, naughty nation!
But us Brits are an awkward bunch who say things like “sorry,” after someone else queued barged and chat about the weather until we’re blue in the face, so the last thing we’re going to want to do is chat about the huge fluffy pink vibrator we’ve just bought off Lovehoney. So we’ve decided to give you a helping hand (do excuse the pun) and delve into the unknown realms of the sex toy. So, saddle up and find out which ones you should be buying for that added va, va voom this V Day:
Gee whizz – sex toys just got sexy! The Limited Edition Bullet Vibrator from Lovehoney is quite the spectacle and, ladies, a worthy investment might we add (just don’t ask how we know that…) It’s described as being luxury so you’ll get posh panties treatment with this nifty little item. Lovehoney describe it as “putting the twinkle in your whispering eye,” and I’m sat here pretty speechless as to what else to say! The important stuff? It’s got a cute case to protect your new bestie, and your vanity, and its velvety silicone exterior is purple and glittery. So who knows? You could bash up a photo of it onto your Insta too #sextoygoals. Described as the perfect toy for newbies, we think you’ll be hitting the jackpot and the G-spot with this one…
So lube just got posh…
Gone are the days when you buy cheap lube from you local beauty store in the hope that’ll “do the job.” Now, we’ve got botanically infused lubricant on the cards – sex just got a whole lot more sustainable! It smells great and it’s glycerin and paraben free, and contains no sugar derivatives, so you can have sex and feel good about saving the planet… and feel good about other things, of course.
£11.95 for 25ml
You’re not alone if you’re currently wondering why on earth a sex toy has manifested itself into a (pretty acceptable looking) necklace. This disguised piece of stylish jewellery is, in fact, a strong slim vibrator available in three colours of silver, rose gold, and 24 KT gold-plated with matching stainless steel chain. So if you’re friend is taking an extra long time in the toilet and their donning this necklace, chances are they’re NOT constipated. So, if you’re up for a bit of designer sex toy action then this is your best pal. The disadvantage? Now everyone that’s read this article is going to know you’re wearing a vibrator round your neck. Sorry, not sorry!
Seeing as our minds are already far down in the gutters, we’re off to Ann Summers, the queen of sex toy boudoirs! After creating the Rampant Rabbit many moons ago Ann Summers grew, and grew and grew… (get your mind out of the gutters), to new and sexier heights. Now, as part of their ever-expanding range, we have the Moregasm Couples Ring which is slightly less obtrusive than a dildo and neatly fits into the palm of a hand – result! We’ve all seen the movies – the guy leaves for work and the unsatisfied woman reaches straight for her dildo, shower head or whatever else will do the job nicely. Now? Reach for the couple’s ring and job done! The rules are simple: place the ring over the penis to help keep him harder for longer, whilst the stimulating vibrations massage her clitoris until climax. Andddd, I just choked on my lunch.
Look at this total weapon! Apparently dildos now have different attachments, so you can chop and change like you would any other electrical appliance. Apparently, this is currently one of the best dildo’s going – there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. You can let not one, but two different massager heads tease you and please you and, to be honest, it looks pretty cool too so everyone’s a winner!
Why get one sex toy when you could have a whole box?! We’re buzzing to receive a We-Vibe Sensations Unite 10 Function Rechargeable Couple’s Set… like literally, buzzing! Inside you get a vibrator and cock ring each with a choice of ten, powerful vibration modes for you to explore. What’s more you can link it up to your phone and download the We-Vibe’s app for customised modes. This magical box is ideal as a gift, but perhaps avoid giving it to your better half at Christmas at the in-laws.
This is definitely a magic wand, but maybe best not to refer to it as such incase the kids get hold of it and literally think it is! The Moregasm Wand is one of Ann Summers best-sellers, and we can’t imagine that’s all down to the lovely colour of the thing. The powerful vibrator will have you screaming all sorts of expletives and can be used for couple or solo play. What’s more, it comes with an easy to use control panel… although that does pose the question of since when did dildo’s get control panels?!
As a female, this is pretty terrifying to look at. If you haven’t already guessed (then it probably means you have a cleaner mind than most), but this is in fact a mouth in which to stick your male genitalia for a blow job that will blow you away, as sextoys.co.uk so delicately describe it! The Loving Joy Real Feel Blow Job Stroker has a soft exterior and a mouth with teeth, yep teeth… in order to replicate a mouth. So if you’re using the chat up line “I think I left my blow job at your house, do you mind if I come and get it?” too often, with no positive response then grab yourself a Blow Job Stroker lads!
Rabbits and sex, quite weirdly, go hand-in-hand… ‘at it like rabbits,’ and what not! So a dildo with a rabbit head? Well, it’s safe to declare that after vibrating cock rings and shareable dildos nothing surprises us anymore. Ramsey Rabbit – yes, the vibrator really is called that – is perfect for satisfaction and let his instincts lead him to the place where you’d most like to be nuzzled. What a charming chap, thanks Ramsey.
And, as this article reaches its climax, sorry I just had to! Anyway, one for anyone with a butt – how about a Rocks Off 7 Function Ass Berry Small Vibrating Butt Plug? Gosh, that was quite the mouthful… but you didn’t think we’d do a piece on sex toys and not include a butt plug did you? This butt plug, shaped like a berry for some bizarre reason, is a suitable way to explore anal play for the first time and is suitable for couples to enjoy! It’s ass-thetically pleasing, and that’s the bottom line!