London’s Longest Queues, Ranked By How Embarrassing They Are To Stand In
Queues have long been revered in the British imagination as a sort of dignified pastime: part a call-back to proving some essentialist truth about civility, part a side-effect of a collective chronic fear of being perceived to be ‘difficult’ in any way. And it has its place, mainly in preventing anarchy. However, queuing in London is currently out of control.
There are horrors you can’t imagine on the streets and, more prevalently, on social media. Two-hour lines for pizza. ‘Double queues’ where you have to queue to get into the main queue. It creates a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy: people queue, the queue grows, more people queue, and it can become such that nobody is willing to admit all their labour and time was spent chasing something disappointing.
The ranking criteria
After thinking about it for five minutes, I developed a rough framework for what constitutes an acceptable amount of time to wait before you, yourself, become the fool. No more than 10 minutes for a coffee. 15 for a pastry. 25 for a hyped new opening you’re just curious to try. 30 for a restaurant, or an hour if they’ve modernised and allow you to queue virtually while having a pint in the next-door pub. The ones on this list all, more frequently than not, not only break these rules with abandon, but actively encourage it. Queueing is part of the ‘experience’. So, based on criteria such as availability of nearby alternative options, length of queue, ‘vibe’, and how performative said queue is, here is a ranking of London’s most embarrassing queues to stand in…
Based on criteria such as availability of nearby alternative options, length of queue, ‘vibe’, and how performative said queue is…
Mildly embarrassing
Dishoom
Dishoom gets somewhat of a pass because, while queuing for close to an hour in a city with the quality of Indian food London has is crazy, it is nonetheless quite good. But I’m suspicious that the queue is deliberately manufactured to create a ‘mystique’, and it is mostly tourists who fall for it. So, unless you’re bringing your visiting parents, it’s still a little embarrassing, if not more naive.
Brockwell Lido
Back in the good ol’ days (i.e summer 2023 and 2024) it was busy, yes, but not oppressively. This summer, something clicked, rendering it a total nightmare. I don’t know who to blame – maybe Jonathan Bailey, who identified it as his favourite first date spot in London.
Now look at it. Queues out the doors, even though you have to book. Most cruel of all is a brand-new policy to kick everyone out midday, so that they can sell a whole new slot.
Dumbo
Dumbo, apparently Parisians’ favourite burger, rolled into London this summer in a ball of hype, with everyone, basically, before it even opened, declaring it ‘worth the queue’. Not a good sign, the preemptive warning.
I’ve not been to the Paris branch, but I have a hard time believing Parisian locals are as susceptible to an hour-long queue as Brits. The queue itself is also a monstrosity, less a line and more a giant blob of awkwardness circling the restaurant, waiting to be called. Is any burger worth the hassle, really? Embarrassment points are taken off because of the novelty aspect, and because at £12, it is very affordable.
I have a hard time believing Parisian locals are as susceptible to an hour-long queue as Brits.
Embarrassing
Crisp Pizza
The trailblazers at Crisp successfully managed to do what nobody had done before: make people queue for pizza. Look at any TopJaw interview, and they’ll all say it’s the best pizza – it’s a place that’s managed to hit the bullseye of the foodie zeitgeist.
If you look at the Google reviews, the second most tagged keyword is ‘queue’. Dive deeper, and there’s chaos: whispers of multiple different queues co-existing, no one knows which one to be in, not even a wait-time estimation. They’re now opening a new spot in a collaboration with The Devonshire, which I’m sure people will have a normal reaction to and won’t be rammed out the door.
Dim Sum Duck
Another one that gets on the list not because of any inherent issue with the place – the dumplings are excellent, I hear – but because in a city with as many great alternatives, there’s really no reason to stand in line, especially in a line as performative as this one.
So what makes it embarrassing? The perma-queue. This is not a spot you arrive to find that, tragically, one hundred people have beaten you to it. The hour-long wait is built into the visit right from the planning stage, so when you walk past, you know everyone standing on the pavement has chosen to do so.
TOAD
The bakery formally known as Frog, TOAD is the chief culprit in creating one of London’s most baffling pastimes: waiting in queues outside bakeries.
On Saturdays, the line outside the original Camberwell branch is pure carnage, the pavement rendered almost unwalkable by those willing to give up an hour’s worth of their weekend for an almond croissant. The pastries are, admittedly, excellent, but so are those of other bakeries that don’t break my 15-minute maximum wait time.
On Saturdays, the line outside the original Camberwell branch is pure carnage, the pavement rendered almost unwalkable
Very embarrassing
Sandwich Sandwich
One thing going for Sandwich Sandwich: the queue isn’t too long. About 30 minutes. But for what? Sandwich Sandwich feels like a hype vessel with a sandwich restaurant attached.
It’s run by entrepreneurs rather than cooks. It’s better than Pret, but you’re still waiting half your lunch break in line for an option that’s too expensive to be anything other than a treat.
Swiss Butter
Full disclosure: I’ve never laid my own eyes on Swiss Butter; its nefarious spectre was served up to me by the Instagram algorithm, prompting a 30-minute brain-rot scroll into its abyss. Influencers proudly document their one-hour wait, a queue not just subtly coveted but aggressively pursued, with virality drawn out by sheer force of will.
In addition to Russell Square, it has locations around the world, including Dubai, Qatar, and Saudi Arabia, to give you a glimpse into its vibe. It’s essentially the fast food version of Nusr-Et, featuring masses of meat in pools of (I’m assuming) Swiss-style foaming butter.
