How To Identify Dating Red Flags In The Early Stages
For those navigating the minefield that is modern dating, identifying dating red flags can help make you more aware of a prospective partner’s behaviour patterns. Sometimes, the warning signs are glaringly obvious. At other times, they’re hidden behind bouquets of roses.
So for those of us who have trouble spotting those pesky little red flags, we spoke to the experts about it. Here are some helpful insights from trauma specialist Annalie Howling and relationship psychologist Dr Limor Gottlieb, on how to notice and react to dating red flags.
Do ‘red flags’ really exist and how do you identify them?
“Early dating is a difficult time to take a measure of red flags unless they are glaring,” says Annalie Howling. We are in the process of getting to know someone and are not yet sure of what is nerves or incompatibility. Throw on a load of chemistry and some rose-tinted spectacles and it can be very tricky to see the wood for the trees. However, the one person you can be sure of is yourself. Check in on whether you feel safe around this person. Are you showing up or feeling like you need to put on an act? A great measure is also how they talk about ex-partners and how they interact with staff in social settings. If you don’t like any of the things they do, despite what they say this probably isn’t a match for you.”
Ignoring red flags early on means living with them later. My first tip is to trust yourself. If something feels off, trust your intuition.
Dr Limor Gottlieb
There are definitely “red flags” in an early relationship and it’s easy to overlook issues when you’re eager for a relationship to work,” agrees Dr Limor Gottlieb. “But ignoring red flags early on means living with them later. My first tip is to trust yourself. If something feels off, trust your intuition. You don’t need to act immediately but don’t dismiss your feelings. You know more than you think. If you think your judgment is cloudy, ask your friends to chime in. In fact, I always recommend introducing a new partner to your friends as they view things from the outside and can be better judges.”
What are some of the early signs to look out for?
“Inconsistency is the best sign to look for,” says Howling. People can tell you anything they want but it’s their actions that show you who they are. If their actions continually do not align with their purported intentions this is a place to get curious. Pay attention to patterns, not promises.”
People can tell you anything they want but it’s their actions that show you who they are.
Annalie Howling
For Gottlieb, it’s important to pay attention and observe how your partner handles difficult situations and takes responsibility for mistakes. “Beware if they often blame others or tell small lies, as they might do the same to you. Also observe how they treat others, not just their family and friends but strangers. If they’re overly charming and even flirty it could be a sign of narcissism. But if they’re rude or aggressive, it could be an indication of their personality and values and definitely a red flag if it conflicts with your values.”
Is it okay to talk about past relationships early on?
“Most dating advice says to avoid talking about past relationships on a date,” says Gottlieb. “But I don’t agree with that. It’s better to discuss this topic early on because how someone talks about their ex reveals a lot about them. For example, if they complain about their ex it can hint at future issues with you. Also, if they’ve been in a toxic relationship it could imply that they have unresolved issues. If they cheated before it’s important to understand why. I don’t believe in ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ but there are certain circumstances that can reveal a person’s character and ethical values.”
It’s better to discuss this topic early on because how someone talks about their ex reveals a lot about them.
Dr Limor Gottlieb
How does the use of social media impact a relationship?
Howling believes that unhealed trauma is the number one reason that relationships fail. “Normalising conversation around this and having free resources from some excellent sources on social media can be incredibly helpful. However, given the ever-available nature of social media and the algorithm that puts things in your feed often when you least expect it or feel emotionally resilient enough (doom scrolling) to see a picture of your love interests ex; or a post that they have liked and engaged with that makes you feel insecure, social media can be very triggering. This is why it is so important to be conscious of our usage of social media.
“I often mention to clients who experience negative feelings after engaging to use it like you would processed food or alcohol, very mindfully and remember it may feel good initially (dopamine hit) but may not be good for your long-term (relational) health.”
“If you just met someone and they’re showering you with attention and excessive expressions of love early on, it’s a red flag.
Dr Limor Gottlieb
How do you identify toxic behavioural patterns?
“A sign that someone could be a narcissist is love bombing,” says Gottlieb. “If you just met someone and they’re showering you with attention and excessive expressions of love early on, it’s a red flag. Narcissists tend to charm their way into your heart only to withdraw once they know you’re hooked. So, if you ignore this red flag early on, you could soon be tangled in this rollercoaster relationship. If someone is non-stop messaging or calling you or gets insecure when you don’t reply to them immediately, it’s a sign they have an insecure attachment style. Conversely, if someone is playing hot and cold, meaning they chase you and then ghost you on repeat they may have an avoidant attachment style. When these two individuals partner they usually find themselves in a vicious cycle of pulling and pushing that can lead to a toxic relationship dynamic.”
Are there any other red flags you commonly identify in modern relationships?
Red flags often come wrapped in empathy which can be incredibly confusing and being honest allow us a little bit of flexibility in what we choose to see.
Annalie Howling
“Red flags often come wrapped in empathy, which can be incredibly confusing, and being honest allows us a little bit of flexibility in what we choose to see,” says Howling. “I hear things from clients when I first meet them like ‘I ask to talk about the relationship and my needs but they are always too busy with work and they never mention it again’ or ‘they were rude to the wait staff in front of my family but it’s because they are tired’ or ‘they have acted jealous and controlling but I know that’s because of their last relationship’ or ‘it’s because they have an avoidant attachment style’. All of the above may well be true, but you wouldn’t behave like that under the same circumstances. You would be horrified if a friend did, so why excuse a potential partner? We have an amazing capacity to see people as we are, not as they are, as the magnificent Anaïs Nin wrote. We project our positivity and create someone’s potential from there. Stick to the facts – their actions and remember: if they wanted to, they would!”
